MY MUM HAS RELAPSED

“Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living fucking worthwhile.”

My mum has relapsed.

Honestly, I feel heartbroken. Over the last few years me and my mum built a relationship that was broken and I began to accept that I could finally rely on her. Today I’ve realised that I was wrong. This isn’t the first time she has relapsed, it seems to happen every few months and each time my heart breaks and the same feeling of devastation begins to set in.

I don’t have a relationship with the majority of my ‘family’ so my mum is the only person I really have to rely on for help, the one person that most people turn to when things go wrong, so when she relapses I feel completely alone.

Right now, an hour after finding out I feel defeated, I have done everything possible to show her that me and my brother should be enough..I now know that we never will be, so if I know this do I carry on letting her break my heart or do I decide to walk away.

People don’t see the reality of how this affects a person living with this in their lives, well here it is; I’m sat here crying, on my own wondering what to write to be inspiring because that’s what people tell me I am, I’m not inspiring, I’m just as confused and vulnerable as everyone else that is going through this non stop emotional torture and I’m trying to figure it out as I go along.

I want to walk away but I’m scared of being alone, really truly and honestly alone, without that person messaging me and making sure I’m okay, without that person to help me when I’m struggling, after everything I began to let her be a mum to me, I let myself be vulnerable to her and I regret that with every inch of my being.

Today I give up, tomorrow I will probably try and convince her to get help, its a crazy roller coaster ride and I will never know what the right thing is to do, I will never come to a decision on whether to walk away or help because rightly or wrongly I’m scared to be without her.

People think I’m strong but I get by because there is no other option, I wanted to show people going through the same thing that its okay to feel the way I do right now and even if you read advice on how you should handle a situation, everyone’s experiences are different.

LIVING WITH ADDICTION

“Strength does not come from winning. Your struggles develop your strengths. When you go through hardships and decide not to surrender, that is strength.”

Living with addiction is one of the hardest things you or someone you know will have to deal with in their lifetime, both for the person with the addiction and for the person watching it consume their family’s or friends lives, honestly it doesn’t ever get easier and from what I have learnt, I don’t think it ever will but it is something you can learn to live with. I know that might seem disheartening and maybe you wanted me to tell you something different but unfortunately I can’t, what I can tell you is if you learn to put yourself first you will find you will become a stronger person and will be able to make decisions from a wider perspective. You can see how this addiction controls that person you love, don’t let this part of your life control you, you are your own person and you have a choice, if you need to walk away then you must walk away and give yourself time.

From the first memories I have, my parents have always been alcoholics, as a child it was something I didn’t think twice about, that was my life and I didn’t know any different.

I remember that my parents used to fight a lot, I think the only thing that really kept them together for so long was the common interest in alcohol. Everyday felt like a new battle while living at home, new arguments, new people, new problems. Me and my brother watched from the sidelines wondering when the newest problem would arise. Being a child of addiction is confusing, I couldn’t of imagined that what I thought was freedom was my parents not looking after me in the correct way. After a rough few years, my mum decided to leave my dad and took me and my brother into a refuge, that was a particularly awful time as it meant leaving everything I knew behind, my friends, family and school. Whilst in the refuge one of the rules of living there was not to bring any alcohol or drugs into the building, of course that didn’t stop my mum.

A short amount of time after moving into the refuge, me and my brother were left with a lady who also lived there whilst my mum ‘popped out’ for a little while, as I have come to realise alcoholics are unpredictable but I was never to have seen that she would never come back for us, for a long time I blamed myself, If only I have chosen to go with her, maybe this wouldn’t have happened. Although from the outside people looking in could see that things with my family was not right, I was young and all I wanted was to be with my parents, I couldn’t see the destruction before me. Eventually, to my dismay we were placed into Foster Care, it was decided that my parents couldn’t give us the care we needed but as a 9 year old child, I didn’t even know what foster care meant, all I knew was that I was taken from my parents and that scared me See full story here

Addiction is something that is still very real for me even after all of these years later. I always kept in contact with my parents and once leaving foster care at 16 I made it my responsibility to look after them, that was a hard time for me. I had been somewhat sheltered from their addiction since going into Foster Care, seeing the awful state that they would get in brought back so many horrible memories but they were my parents and I felt I had a duty to put my feelings aside. After a tough fight for many years, my mum has now overcome the addiction after putting her life on the brink, seriously damaging her liver however relapsing on more than a few occasions, we work everyday with her to keep her strong enough to not relapse again but there is always that chance that when things get tough things will go back to they way they were.

My dad is still very much an alcoholic and I feel he is at his worst yet in terms of health. There has been many opportunities for him to try and help himself but that hasn’t been something he has wanted to do, or has been able to do. I have come to realise that it’s something he can’t do for his children, he has to want it for himself and unfortunately even if he does, the compulsion to get more alcohol is bigger than him and bigger than the love for his family. Although I love my dad, I feel at this point in my life that I am no longer able to help him, watching someone you love destroy themselves each time they sip that next bit of alcohol can become the hardest thing in the world, I want to scream ‘JUST STOP‘ but that won’t help, I feel nothing will anymore. I see my dad every now and then, not often and this sits in the back of my head everyday, questioning will I regret the way I handled things when he is no longer with me but I know that if I choose to care for him with no hope in sight I will only destroy the hope of happiness for my own life.

We all live with the fear of death, of ourselves or a loved one but living with someone with addiction it is a very real reality and its something you slowly watch happening before you, living with this everyday is scary ‘Will my parents be here tomorrow?’ I ask myself, its something that I do not know the answer too but what I do know when I think about that is that I don’t want to live with regrets, I don’t want to be asking myself questions in the future that I can not answer ‘Could I have done something?’ Did I give up to soon?’ ‘Why didn’t I spend more time with them?’ But I also don’t want to look back and think, I spent so much time trying to fix them, that I forgot to work on me.

If there is one thing I have learnt over the years, it is getting angry doesn’t help. Now this doesn’t mean that my initial reaction isn’t anger because it is, there is only so many times that one person can keep making the same mistake before you feel like giving up on them but I have slowly taught myself not to scream and shout at them when this happens, I have done this so many times and even though they can hear me, they just don’t listen because they know all of the things I am telling them, they know that it will one day kill them, they know that they are killing themselves and they know that they are affecting their children’s lives but the compulsion and desire for more alcohol is the only thing that fuels them.


So what is the right thing to do? And is there a right way that you should handle this?

I believe that you must tell those people in your life how it affects you, its so easy to hold back on how you feel about the situation because you’re scared that it will only make the problem worse but opening up and telling them that this affects you is important. People with addiction can be selfish and can make everything revolve around them, ‘I feel depressed so I needed another drink’ Well, tell them that you need them and them doing this only makes your own depression grow stronger and makes you question ‘Who is there for me now?’ It makes you feel alone and disconnected from the world around you. Telling them these things won’t instantly stop them from doing what they are doing but it will allow them to see things from your perspective, it will allow them to understand that there are people who rely on them and this is because they are loved. Sharing with them that they are loved can allow them to begin to love themselves because without this, they will not consider being addiction free, they need to learn that they are worth more than the addiction that has overtaken their lives.

Most importantly it is so vital that you remember to put yourself first, after years of turmoil it is only fair that you remember that your life matters too. I became so angry at my parents and couldn’t understand why they were doing this to me but when I eventually learnt that they ‘weren’t doing it to me’ I soon came to realise that despite what people may say, it is an illness and you can either stick by them and do your best to support and help them or you walk away, walking away doesn’t mean giving up, it just means coming to accept that you have done all you can.


How has addiction affected me? 

Its been almost 13 years since I lived without my alcohol dependent parents, granted my father still is but I am able to remove myself from such close proximity of the problem. Even with this in mind, as I remember my past today I feel confused and even though I am now closer to my mother more than ever before, we still don’t really talk about what really went wrong and why she left us, its something that we both try to pretend didn’t happen, I suppose not talking about it is the easiest option for us.

Due to so many broken promises and sense of abandonment over the years, I have found it hard to allow myself to trust people, I feel threatened when anyone tries to get too close to me, possibly because I associate closeness with unpredictability and even worse, unbearable responsibility.

Behaviour like this left its mark: if you can’t trust your parent, who can you trust?

I have become self contained because of this, if I have a problem I do all I can to fix it myself, I have only myself to rely on, I won’t let myself down like I know other people will. If I rely on people to heavily, what will I do when they’re gone?

Children who have been brought up within this chaos are three times more likely to have problems with alcohol and drugs, eating disorders or become suicidal, and four times more likely to suffer from depression.

I try my best not to be a statistic and don’t believe that all children who where brought up this way are automatically going to be more likely to have problems with these things however I have suffered with an eating disorder, I do suffer from depression and I have been suicidal. I can’t be sure that there things are with me because of the difficult upbringing I had, maybe I was always going to be the person I am today. Either way I choose to be in control, some days are harder than others but I am adamant on becoming a success and living a life that I wasn’t given but worked for every single day.

I believe that although living with this sadness in your life, you should not allow it to stop you from thriving, let it be the determination that sets you apart from others because it can be the reason you fight for a better life.


What do I do if my parents or someone in my family has an addiction?

Tell someone

  • The first thing you have to do is tell someone, you may feel like you are betraying them but not seeking help and keeping the secret is all part of the addiction process and it allows the problems to get worse the longer they are left. Unfortunately even if it is something they know they have a problem with, the majority of the time they will still keep the secret leaving the responsibility to you, it may be difficult but it is important to look after you too and the person with the addiction would want you to do that in their healthy state especially if it is something they are struggling to do due to their addiction.

Learn healthy coping strategies

  • Growing up with family members who use their addiction as an unhealthy coping strategy, they become our example, dealing with things in the wrong way. It is so important that you learn that how they are dealing with life is not right and be sure to adjust how you deal with upset and disappointment.

Keep a diary 

  • This is something I have always done and it helps in many different ways and for many different problems, dealing with anger and upset is important, leaving it to fester is only at detriment to yourself. Identify those feelings, recognizing how a family members problem makes you feel can help you from burying your feelings and pretending that everything’s OK.

Stop the cycle

  • Shockingly children of alcoholic parents are at higher risk of becoming alcoholics themselves. Scientists think this is because of genetics and the environment that kids grow up in. This can also become the unhealthy coping strategy that you may become to rely on. Focus on something that you love and remember to talk to people when you’re feeling those feeling that can lead to such a devastating affect.

If you want to talk to someone who can understand, please feel free to Email me, contact details are on my About Me page.

HELPLINES 

Adfam is the national charity working to improve life for families affected by drugs and alcohol. Click here to be directed to there website.

I FEEL SO LOST

It’s never too late to start over. If you weren’t happy with yesterday, try something different today. Don’t stay stuck. Do better.

“I’m 22, I have just finished University and I can’t find a job.” This is a very real reality for many of us leaving University. We all hope that we will fall in to our dream job, at least it was set in my head that getting a University Degree would be the elusive happiness that we all crave but I soon come to realise that its not as easy as that for many of us, especially in this very competitive world that we now live in.

I have felt a sense of embarrassment to come from a life of non stop education to not knowing what to do with my days other than apply and apply for jobs, I’m asked ‘What are you doing now?’ ‘Have you got a job yet?’ ‘What have you been doing with yourself?’ These questions so soon after graduating make me wonder, ‘Am I supposed to already have my dream job?’ and ‘Does not having that job I studied for three years for make me a failure?’ But we have to remember as young adults that some people are lucky and some people are not, some people have to work harder and some people don’t, that is just life.

Either way, I sit and think after being non stop for all of my life ‘What now?’ job prospects seem impossible, my friends are no longer around because we have all gone our separate ways after graduating and I do not know what to do with myself, I’m lost and lonely. I have come to think that this is a time of reflection, a time to realise what you have achieved and to remember the years that you have ahead of you, I think that our generation has become so caught up with what everybody else around us are doing that we begin to doubt ourselves.

Everything about my life has been assumed and I feel I have gone along for the ride, although I finished my degree and it is one of the best things I have ever done and achieved, I also wonder ‘Do people now assume for me to have this incredible Fashion job?’ Little do people see the debt that has amounted up over the years by just attending University, do I now have to get a job to pay off that debt while getting into more debt by trying to get those things in life that people assume that you should have. I am at a place in my life where I want more than that, I want to wake up every morning with a sense of purpose and excitement. We are so riddled in self doubt now that we believe that we all have to live in the same way but things work out differently for us all and you are allowed to feel lost because it can be the turning point in your life.

“Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves.” ~Henry David Thoreau

So here are some tips to remember when you feel lost and lonely:

  • You have more control than you think:

Feeling lost or lonely can get you into negative mode but you are in control, there are things that you can do that can help and make you feel like you have purpose. Only you can choose how to react when things don’t go to ‘plan.’

  • Don’t regret:

Self pity can be the start of a spiralling mess, its all to easy to look back on past events and regret what we did or didn’t do however this does nothing but feed the negativity that you are feeling, of course its okay to know you would have done things differently if you could but know this isn’t possible and the sooner you are able to accept this, the sooner you will be able to look to the future with fresh eyes.

  • Embrace the feeling:

Their comes a sense of relief when you are no longer searching for approval from others, it may feel like loneliness but try enjoying the fact that you do not need everyone to accept and support your decisions. Embrace the new found freedom!

  • Accept change:

Life is about growing and changing and how we react and learn from that change, this is what makes us the person that we are to become. Stop looking back to the ‘Good times’ it is okay that you are not who you used to be, embrace the now.

  • Keep striving to achieve your dreams:

So you feel isolated, we all come to a point in our lives where things don’t seem to be going as ‘planned’ but drop that defeatist attitude and remember that you are worth more than just getting by for the sake of it, this may be hard to follow when you have obligations but your happiness is just as important.

“Living is the rarest thing in the world, most people exist” Oscar Wilde

  • Let loneliness become a learning curve:

The amount of people you are with doesn’t determine the scale of loneliness, when you are surrounded by all of these people, it can be lonelier than when you’re by yourself. Let this be a time to discover you, it’s in the midst of solitude that answers come from true soul searching. Learn to love being alone and become settled in your own company.

  • Keep a diary:

This may seem like an odd tip but I have kept a diary since I was child and I love to look back at times that I once felt that I wouldn’t overcome and realising how things have changed and improved. By keeping a diary when you’re feeling lost and lonely, this will allow you to look back in the future to see how you viewed things at the time and how far you have come since then.

 

SOCIAL SERVICES

Social Services get a lot of stick and for the majority of the time I really don’t agree with it, they are there to be the parent that some children need, the parent that I once needed to say ‘This environment is not a safe place and these children need to be taken out of it’ It may seem that they are the ‘bad guys’ but they serve a purpose, a purpose that many children need to have a chance of a healthy and happy life.

Now all of this is all well and good but what about when all of that is done, you’re finally an adult and can make decisions for yourself, then what?

Not that long ago I found out that once you turn 21 social services completely stop working with you unless you decide to go onto higher education (University) in this case they then work with you until you’re 25 (If you stay in education of course) This wasn’t a problem for me as it was something I planned to do anyway so I never really thought twice about it however now that I have come to the end of my education I have come face to face with the reality that they will no longer be a part of my life. As someone who has relied on having them there I would have expected some sort of work to have happened to make sure I would be okay without them, what I have learnt has made me question parts of Social Services and here is why:

As a vulnerable young person who has left the care system, there are so many different situations you can be in, good, bad and ugly so to think if you are not able to get into University or you don’t want to go into University that you will lose that support it can be quite daunting, they told you they would help and protect you but then when you need them as a young person living alone with no family help, they are no longer there. Clearly they understand that this is our reality ‘We know that young people leaving care frequently feel isolated, lonely and lacking the safety net of someone to talk to and to advise them in a crisis.’ As found here so why are we left in this position? Also if you are in or were in the care system and are under 21 or are in higher education in Wales then also check the above website out to see what you are entitled too.

I understand that strings need to be detached at some point, there are so many young people who also need that help but if things are tied up the way they have been with me then things need to be looked at and changed. Yes, I have lived alone for 6 years and am now 22 years old but that doesn’t make me an expert and it certainly does not make me any less scared of any future dilemmas which I am sure many young people agree with.

I have recently finished University with little help since doing so, however I have been informed that my case with them has now been closed, so quickly and without any encouragement from them. I believe that they have a responsibility to ween you off, slowly giving you less and less help until you are comfortable that you feel 100% responsible for yourself.

There are so many sides to social services even some of which I don’t even know about but what I do know about I have always fully supported, so it has come as a shock to me to have come to this point and to feel let down by them.

This needs to be changed and I hope to start the change here, the more that young people express their concerns, the more local authorities will have to start to listen to us and maybe one day things will be different for future care leavers.

I have slowly come to terms with this news however I am upset for the more vulnerable young people out there who may feel completely scared and alone during this time, I want to tell you that you are not alone and there and many places to turn to for advice starting with me, if you just want a friendly chat with someone who may be able to understand how you are feeling then feel free to E-mail me (Details on my About Me page)

If you are looking for help or advice concerning things like:

  • money worries
  • housing issues
  • how the care system works
  • your rights in care and leaving care
  • your education and plans for the future
  • your health and wellbeing
  • getting the things you are entitled to
  • contact with your siblings and family members
  • finding national and local services that can help you

Contact: The Who Cares Trust on their Care Advice Line on 020 7017 8901 between 10.30am and 3pm, Monday to Friday (Charges apply however you can ask to be called back) or E-mail advice@thewhocarestrust.org.uk, Check out this website for more information.

I would like to finish by saying that although you may feel scared and alone, think about everything that you have overcome and use that to tell yourself that you are strong enough to face anything that may come your way, ups and downs are a part of life and if you remain positive and work hard, there is no reason as to why your past should dictate your future.

FOSTER CARE

I grew up in foster care, spending most of my teenage life there, I struggled. Your teenage years are already extremely hard as it is but when you live somewhere that isn’t home it becomes twice as hard.

Whilst growing up I was scared to make mistakes in case my foster carers decided they didn’t want me anymore, this truly was a real fear for me. I felt that I was never a part of the family so I couldn’t make the same mistakes that their own children would make. I was lucky enough to be with my brother so the thought of being split up in different homes made growing up really hard, being a teenager is about making mistakes and learning from them but I don’t feel I really got that opportunity because I was so caught up with being what people wanted me to be and creating an unrealistic expectation for myself.

With statistics like ‘Children who spend time in the care system are less likely than other children to achieve academic success or benefit from stable relationships.’ and.. ‘They are more likely to have problems with crime, drugs and mental health than their peers.’ It is easy to see why it feels like the world is against you because of a choice that you couldn’t make for yourself, so for me ‘experimenting’ like my friends were was terrifying for me: What if I enjoy it? What if I am clinically depressed? What if I don’t want to go to University? Do these questions make me just another statistic? For a teenager these are questions that you shouldn’t feel compelled to ask yourself, mistakes and illness makes you human, not a result of the care system.

Being in foster care can feel never ending. Meetings in the middle of the school day: teachers, parents and social workers gathering around and talking about you like you’re not in the room and making you feel like you don’t have a voice, I sometimes felt like I was screaming inside of my own head to be like my friends, I felt like I would never be ‘normal’ and for me this was all I ever really wanted, I didn’t want to be known as the girl in care or the girl with alcoholic parents.
I came to a point where I was feeling extremely depressed and decided that I could no longer be in that situation and made the choice at 16 to leave and move into supported lodgings: Supported lodgings is a household that take young people in and give them a place to stay but you have to supply your own food etc so its ultimately like a stepping stone to living alone. I didn’t live there for long though, it was more like a pit stop until there was space in a hostel. Moving in to a hostel was the best decision for me, I didn’t want to be a part of somebody else’s household anymore, I didn’t want to feel like I was somebody’s job.

I eventually moved into the hostel, there were other young people living there too which made the experience a bit more bearable, I ended up being there for a year while waiting for my own home. Whilst in the hostel the feelings of loneliness would become unbearable because no family or friends where aloud inside, looking back now it was a price worth paying because I’ve now been in my own home for almost five years and it’s the most happiest and content I have ever been.

During all of this I decided to carry on with my education, I had recently finished school and it gave me some normality to my life. I soon moved into my own home, finished college and I have now recently graduated from University, that in itself being an achievement for someone who has been in the care system as statistics say only 6% of care leavers go into higher education compared to 38% of young people, I have left with an with an Upper Second Class Honours degree and I feel like I have my whole life ahead of me to become successful.

The point in this is that, bad times won’t last forever and you can overcome anything. There are so many young people in the care system and unfortunately a lot of them end up on a path they feel they can’t come back from because when you’re in that moment it does feel that nothing will ever be okay but as someone who has been there, it can. So if you’re in care, just remember you are human and your experiences can make for two different lives and I promise you that choosing the right path is the best path, that doesn’t mean that everything is always great because its not but if you can overcome statistics, you can overcome anything.

Now I’m just another young person living alone and trying to become the best version of myself I can be and to finally be at a place of ‘normality’ is a massive achievement for me, its something I thought I would never have. Social services have now stopped working with me, honestly it does bring a little fear as ultimately they have been the parents I didn’t have, making choices for me that I was to young to make but I’m ready to let that part of my life go and you will get to that point too even if it doesn’t feel like it now. These have been the best years of my life, of course there has been hard times but everyone has them and its natural!

Lastly, you may be in a position that if by choice you wouldn’t be in but life throws different obstacles at all of us and its how you handle them that makes you who you are.

Statistics were found here: http://www.thewhocarestrust.org.uk/pages/the-statistics.html Also check this website out, they offer support for children in care.

There are so many websites that can offer support but if you just want to talk to someone who can relate then please feel free to contact me via my contact details on my About Me page.

HEARTBREAK

So as you might have noticed in the last few weeks, I’ve not been around which is because of my very recent heartbreak, I like to be open with you guys so I thought it was only right that I open up about it and let you know how I have dealt with it, hopefully it will help some of you who are or may go through the same thing.

In life its inevitable that we will all get our heartbroken at least once but you don’t head into a relationship with that as a priority, we all just live for the moment and ignore the fact that one day our heart could be broken by that person.

I was with my boyfriend for a long time; 7 years to be exact and lived with him for 4 years so it came as a surprise to me when he suddenly told me he was no longer in love with me, I felt completely broken and couldn’t see how on earth I was possibly going to overcome it, I can’t express to you more how important your friends and family are because they are the people who will always be there in those tough times when you feel completely alone. They kept telling me that I would be fine and I would eventually move on but I saw no hope, I couldn’t eat, I couldn’t sleep, I just wanted to curl up and hide. It sounds so dramatic but if you have been through it you will know exactly what I’m talking about.

Eventually I picked myself up and decided that I have so much life ahead of me, I decided that I couldn’t let everything I had worked so hard for disappear, I suggest through experience that you give yourself around a week to cry, trying to force yourself to get back into normality straight away isn’t healthy, its okay to cry and its okay to feel lost and alone but of course eventually you have to have the strength to realise that life goes on and you have to pick yourself up.

I also suggest letting yourself have that alone time, some people want to be alone where some people want to be surrounded by family and friends, it can be such a lonely time, I know when I was at my worst even when I was in a room full of people I felt completely alone because the only person I wanted was him but the thought of actually being physically alone scared me, I didn’t know who I was, I didn’t know how to be without him but eventually I had to say I have to learn to be alone whether it hurts or not and now three weeks later I’m feeling stronger than ever, I feel that I no longer need him and I’m more than happy on my own. It will be different for different people of course, some may need longer but for me I’ve now realised our relationship had come to an end long before it did which makes it so much easier for me to move on.

I also suggest really talking to that person, there’s nothing worse than not knowing why, questioning every single thing that you may have done or said, blaming yourself when the truth is it may be nothing to do with what you have ‘done’ people change and grow and sometimes they grow without you. Of course in a relationship nothing is perfect but instead of thinking about the 3% of stuff that you done wrong, use that to move on, use it to grow and change so that in your next relationship (because you will have one) you can use that three percentage and change it into good.

Relationships are about compromise and some people aren’t willing to, don’t settle for anything, we all deserve the best and there will always be someone out there who loves us for exactly who we are.

If you’re going through the same thing and just want to talk about it then please get in touch with me, I’m more than happy to talk to you through such a sad time.

I will be back as scheduled very soon! So sorry for taking so much time out but like I’ve said above, its so important to put yourself first in times like this.

UNIVERSITY: DO I OR DONT I?

As you may or may not already know, I’m heading to my third year of University and this time of year reminds me of the beginning and how freaked out I was, I’ve heard that there has been a record amount of people applying for higher education and thought this post may be just what you need.

Here’s my take on the life changing decision. I didn’t ever really decide to go to University and never really understood anything about it either, it wasn’t until I got to my third year of college that my tutors told me to apply that I realised how confused I really was about the whole thing. I was on an Art & Design course and always thought I would head into the world of Photography but at the last minute I realised how my interests had changed, so without really over thinking I applied for something I had never even thought about, Fashion Design. I know, seems crazy right? I thought so to.

Eventually I received interview offers and went to them without second thought, again. I guess I felt not going to University was just not an option, not because it wasn’t but because nobody really told me any different.

I went to my first interview and was like a duck out of water, everyone had files of designs and garments and there I was with my art work (I almost ran out, I felt ridiculous) the interview didn’t go well to say the least, luckily it wasn’t my first choice.

Before my next interview (to the Uni I really wanted to go to) I decided to start a book of designs, just something that would show my potential and luckily for me, it did. I was given a chance and here I am today about to go into my third year.

What I am saying is University is a decision only you can make and yes, it is a decision. University isn’t for everyone and even if you do apply and get a month into the course and hate it, then make the right decision for you. University fees are unreal so you have to really want to be there, don’t spend your life paying off debts that weren’t worth the bother.

For me, even after my hasty application, I have never made a more right decision in my life. The course I am on is incredible and I have really learnt so much.

So if you are starting University, good luck! Do it for you.