MY MUM HAS RELAPSED

“Love is never supposed to hurt. Love is supposed to heal, to be your haven from misery, to make living fucking worthwhile.”

My mum has relapsed.

Honestly, I feel heartbroken. Over the last few years me and my mum built a relationship that was broken and I began to accept that I could finally rely on her. Today I’ve realised that I was wrong. This isn’t the first time she has relapsed, it seems to happen every few months and each time my heart breaks and the same feeling of devastation begins to set in.

I don’t have a relationship with the majority of my ‘family’ so my mum is the only person I really have to rely on for help, the one person that most people turn to when things go wrong, so when she relapses I feel completely alone.

Right now, an hour after finding out I feel defeated, I have done everything possible to show her that me and my brother should be enough..I now know that we never will be, so if I know this do I carry on letting her break my heart or do I decide to walk away.

People don’t see the reality of how this affects a person living with this in their lives, well here it is; I’m sat here crying, on my own wondering what to write to be inspiring because that’s what people tell me I am, I’m not inspiring, I’m just as confused and vulnerable as everyone else that is going through this non stop emotional torture and I’m trying to figure it out as I go along.

I want to walk away but I’m scared of being alone, really truly and honestly alone, without that person messaging me and making sure I’m okay, without that person to help me when I’m struggling, after everything I began to let her be a mum to me, I let myself be vulnerable to her and I regret that with every inch of my being.

Today I give up, tomorrow I will probably try and convince her to get help, its a crazy roller coaster ride and I will never know what the right thing is to do, I will never come to a decision on whether to walk away or help because rightly or wrongly I’m scared to be without her.

People think I’m strong but I get by because there is no other option, I wanted to show people going through the same thing that its okay to feel the way I do right now and even if you read advice on how you should handle a situation, everyone’s experiences are different.

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